I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
