Only a mothe r could love this liver
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
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My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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