you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
