If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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