Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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