Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
