I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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