I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
