you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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