He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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