I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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