sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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