im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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