i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
PS: I just woke up from my shower
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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