things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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