Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
