Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
