why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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