My liver just broke up with me...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
