i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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