You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
