I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
