naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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