K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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