It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
