So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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