Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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