So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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