I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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