When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
