even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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