I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
