I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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