you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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