My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
