seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
