Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
