I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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