I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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