my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
