just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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