you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
