i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
