Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
