Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
