I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
