Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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