can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
