how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
