It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
