I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
