My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
