last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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