You smell like a Billy Joel song
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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