How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
