just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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