I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
