WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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