I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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