dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
