I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
