using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
