I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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