remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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